Weaker Than My Weaknesses...

Fuck.

I need a drink.

Also, if it wasn't evident, I have given up on caring whether or not I cuss in this blog. It's therapeutic. I gave up drinking. Trust me, you'd curse too.

There is something to be said about giving up something that was once a comfort. It doesn't matter how much it hurt you. You don't think about that. All you think about is the fact that it staved off the things that hurt you (even if after it made things worse). Sometimes just a few minutes of peace feels completely worth anything that follows it.

But that's addiction for you.

Look, I didn't drink to the point of vomiting, or passing out in gutters or flashing cops or meter maids. I just drank to feel good. I never stumbled around downtown like an asshole pissing on myself. I just drank. And maybe drinking isn't the vice I should have given up. Maybe drinking is the vice I took up to get past some other addiction. Some other beast that still haunts me.

And now that I gave up drinking, I can see The Beast clearly. It is there every day, taunting me, fucking with my head. Tormenting me. Just enough out of reach, yet close enough to burn me. Time and time again. And even though I thought I staved off The Beast, I have not. I thought drinking was making me miserable. It wasn't. It was just a way to cope with all of the continuous heartbreak, and anguish and self hate that The Beast contributed to my life.

Now, the real test of inner strength is to get past this Beast and move on.

This Beast, this horrible putrid thing, is probably the truest form of evil. The deceiving part about evil things, is they put on a facade that they are something splendid and beautiful and your heart "sings" when it is around and until you get that fix of whatever evil it may be, you feel incomplete, frustrated, angry, and hateful. THAT is an addiction.

Addictions come in many forms: drugs, sex, alcohol, porn, computers, television, adrenaline, hoarding...ANYTHING. That's the scary part about addictions. We all think it's as simple as alcohol or drugs or sex. But that isn't the case. Sometime people even have addictions to another person. An addiction can be anything in your life that hinders the way you would live your normal life if that addiction were not there.

For a while I thought it was alcohol because when The Beast was "doing it's usual thing" to me, I would cope and drown it out with alcohol. Sometimes it would help, most times it would make it worse. I would use alcohol to sleep to tire my mind from thinking about it. I would use alcohol to deal with it and make excuses of why it was still in my life. Alcohol was my scape goat. And now that it is not there anymore, all I have is me and my own weaknesses. And nothing is worse than being weaker than your weaknesses.

So as I stood in the kitchen this evening with my roommate, she listened quietly as I tried to explain the evil that was in my life. My eyes were wide and welling with tears. My arms and hands tried to tell a story my mind couldn't wrap around. The moments I took to pause to gather myself, she stood there, in silence, trying herself to figure out a remedy. But she herself was as perplexed as I (and the many others I have told my story to) was. We stood for a moment and I looked at her, and in the most honest and heartfelt way asked,

"That is the true essence of evil, right? I mean, the truest darkest, most bizarrely tempting, slimy essence of evil."

She looked at me and said, "Yes".

And even as I write this. Even as I have been told this and said this and stood in my kitchen a millions times before and came to the same conclusion that this Beast is killing me, I still have an addiction to it. Even if it is killing me, and ruining my life and destroying my self-esteem. Even if it is the thing I truly in my heart believed was good for me, it has just become the purest form of evil. So why then does its presence in my life seem to be the only thing to give me comfort?

That's the shittiest part about addictions. Not only are they inexplicable, they can control you and make you feel weak and vulnerable without them. They can make you feel both elated and devastated. They can tear you into a million pieces and make you feel like the strongest human being ever.

They will straight up, fuck you up.

A lot of you are speculating on this Beast. A lot of you who are close to me know what I am talking about, many of you do not. There is a reason for that. I may never admit what this beast is, and I don't have to. It is my fight and my struggle for sanity and you can speculate and ponder and worry and care all you would like, but in the end it is my fight and my choice to divulge the details. I have given you a lot in this fight. I have bared my soul and stood here naked in front of all of you.

In saying that, please respect this struggle and fight for my sanity and do not ask me about this Beast. I doubt any of you would really ask, but if the thought were to cross your mind when you drunkenly stumble into me at La Salles as I stand there sober, hating life, and you ask me, I will not hesitate to punch you right in the mouth. Addictions can be funny, but not really. I can joke because I am going through it, but really, it fucking sucks. This has been the hardest fucking thing I have ever had to do and I watched my mother wither away and die of cancer. So in saying that, yes, this fucking sucks.

So, if I joke or make sarcastic remarks, just go with it. From the feedback I have gotten from a lot of you behind the scenes, I know I am not the only one who is going through or had gone through this, and for those who have been strong enough to stave off your beasts, you're my heroes. I am here now in the trenches and just trying to stay alive. Those of you who are with me in this fight, no matter what your addiction, I commend you and am right there with you.

As I embark on this emotional roller coaster, which has become a lot less fun and a lot more frightening, understand that putting this out there is not easy. But I know that in the end, after going through all of this that maybe I can save one more person from the evil thing that torments their life. And maybe we can walk away from all of this, maybe a bit bruised and torn up, but definitely stronger and wiser and a fuck ton happier with ourselves...