Some things are personal.
My need to walk around without pants isn't so much the case here, but my need to internally find peace is.
The struggle to find both myself and my purpose was definitely the initial point of this blog. Currently all I want to do is make sarcastic remarks and oggle Ryan Gosling and potentially Tatum Channing in Magic Mike if I can ever get myself to a movie theater. Though I am pretty sure that once I sit down I'll never be able to leave until it's no longer in theaters and they have to pry my hands from the arms of the chair and escort me out, drool being the only indication I am still alive.
I'm fine now.
That was the point of this blog...to be ok again. It has been 3 years in the making and I think I have made it to that point.
But wait, I'm not quite done.
Yes so my blogs from here on out are probably not going to be emotionally charged, ridden with bouts of angry cursing and desperation. I'm over that now. It's the ugly you have to get through to find the beauty...or some kind of likeness anyway.
Now that I have cleared my head, it's time to connect that with my body. The unity between body and mind can only be achieved when you consciously strive for it.
When you are lifting weights, how often do you consciously think about what you're doing. Not in the obvious thought of "I'm lifting a weight", but each muscle it takes to lift that weight. Probably not often, but more thinking about the beer you hope to enjoy as a treat for actually showing up at the gym in the first place.
It's ok, I understand that (and I'm pretty sure I am guilty of that). But I have a new outlook on it now.
I used to run when I was semi-unemployed. I ran a lot...most specifically in Upper Park. I would run and cry and run until I wanted to puke, then climb up the mountain and sit on a rock and watch the birds dance in the air to the music that I was listening to on my ipod.
I'm getting spiritual for a moment, just go with me.
I thought that the running was helping, but really, once I was done I would go back to my old ways and I couldn't figure out why everything was continuously so shitty. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Einstein never had amazing sex with his ex, apparently.
Long story short, I am trying to break away from the things that still bind me.
My treat after working out is meditating. I work out for an hour, then go to the yoga room and fight the stench of dirty hippies from the class before and stretch and meditate. Short of the stench, it's pretty much my most favorite thing ever. Sometimes I'll even cheat on my workout a little just to go stretch and think. Hell, I'd do it for a living if it paid the bills.
Which reminds me, how do I go about getting paid to go to the gym as my job? Just curious.
Anyway, one of my meditations was pretty deep. Sometimes I consciously move my thoughts, other times I let them go. When I concentrate on my thoughts it's when I am searching for an answer, so I will think about my problem and let the music answer it for me. My usual sound track includes Avery Maria by Beethoven and Clare de Lune (most specifically by DeBussey because his version really sets the tone of what I feel Claire de Lune was really intended to portray...a struggle to find strength in being demure as well as the light that comes with that strength). Go with me here.
In my meditation I saw these stepping stones in a small pond that was overgrown with greenery...it was almost suffocating, but still beautiful and somewhat comforting because it felt like just me and this deep blue pond and the stones. In reality it was the stones that made me feel comfortable. Each stone was close to the other and I was jumping from stone to stone. I imagined what would happen without the stones and the fear of falling into the water was like looking over the edge of a tall building...I didn't want to fall off.
Well, in my meditation I let myself fall into the creepy deep blue water and decided to swim to the edge on my own. That would have worked out perfect if not for the great white wall of water that came rushing at me, blind siding me. I assume this rush of water was my brain telling me that I was about to handle some shit so I better hold my breath and get ready for it.
So before I even reach the edge of where I was heading, the water comes and washes me away...but it wasn't the water from the pond, it came from the ocean. It was a light sea foam green and it was warmer than the cold deep blue water I had jumped in earlier. This wave that came at me ended up pushing me out of the pond and at some point I ended up washed onto a big beautiful beach.
There I was, just me and the vastness of the ocean and the world in front of me. There were no stones, there was nothing for me to grab on to, but then I realized I didn't have the urge to. I was on solid ground and it was utterly beautiful. I played with the ocean and danced around and realized at that moment, if I could just let go of the things I am holding on to, I can be free.
Yeah, so obviously that is easier said than done and I am pretty sure every single one of my friends has said this, but when your brain comes up with it in a moment of trying to find tranquility, then yeah, it hits home.
I am not sure if that meditation at least washed my thoughts out for a moment or what, but since then I have found a different kind of peace and in the midst, I found myself again. The Kyleen that I used to be when I was a carefree kid living in my own head. The one that loved people because she loved herself and found beauty in everything thing. The Kyleen that could sit for hours in silence, just watching, and being completely content because her mind wasn't preoccupied with someone else's life. I have been looking for myself for so long I was afraid I would never find me again. but there I was, all this time, in the back of my head waiting for me to coax me out of hiding.
Fucking finally!
And yeah, this post has been in the works for a while because it is very personal to meditate on things in life then try to explain it and not sound crazy. It's a personal struggle, but I figured maybe someone else might get it. That and people keep asking me to post again, so here. That and I am looking inside for the answers and yeah, I still have a ways to go, but I am out of the stupid rabbit hole for the most part and doing my damnedest to not do that again. It feels good to be free again...now to take off these pants and enjoy the summer...
