"This...Julie...Dos Pub...high School. Is this Kyl..?"
My heart partially skipped seeing as I was trying to piece together what I was hearing. It seemed fitting fate would fuck with me like this.
"Yes, it is" I said, trying to wrap my brain around the situation.
"Hi, Kyleen. I'm fro...blos...ool. I...ted...you..interview. Are...vailable...week..." *click*
WHAT?! Did I just get a phone call for an interview?! I quickly tried to call back, my fingers couldn't push the send key fast enough. Julie picked up again, apologizing, from what I could hear, for bad reception in an old brick building in the school. The phone hung up again.
AH!
This time it rang back and I quickly answered it. Julie's voice was still breaking up, but got better as she explained she was walking out of the building.
"Yes, we wanted you to come for an interview. What time is best for you? We have tomorrow, or the 27th. We know it's about a 5 hour drive from Chico, so let's make it in the afternoon, even though I am a morning person" she laughed. I was trying to scribble down the information on the back of an envelope I found and a dried out felt pen. Why am I always only finding dried out felt pens in this house?
"Yes, the 27th. Yes, I can do that. Sure, thank you so much!"
"You will love this school. It's so great" she began to up-sell the school. A small red-flag popped up in the back of my head. She was almost over-selling it. But I didn't care. I thanked her, hung up the phone, and burst into tears as my entire body shook from excitement. I have never really passed out before, but I can yell you, I was damn near close at that moment. Light headed, shaking, almost sick to my stomach with emotions. I sat down on the couch and just bawled.
I am not sure why I was crying. I think there was this crazy sense of "finally!" in my head, a sense of overwhelming gratefulness, and an understanding logic that it wasn't going to happen...that it wasn't what I wanted.
Ok, so sometimes in life you have to make very hard, logical decisions. I am not usually the kind of person to do that. I am a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, do-what-I-want-to-do-because-that-is-what-I-do kinda girl. I have never been afraid to take a leap of faith or move or start over or just jump on a plane and fly to Italy because, well, why the hell not. Go to NYC for two weeks for the hell of it? SURE!
But this. This is different. This is real life now. This isn't the life I used to live. Life isn't carefree and wild and fun and "do whatever the fuck you want" any more. This is real. And as much as sometimes real life sucks, it actually doesn't suck. The only thing that sucks now is that when you make decisions, they have potential to ruin you.
Taking this job could potentially ruin me.
The job I applied for was a semester job that starts in the spring, with no guarantee of continuing the next year. That's a gamble. A gamble I can't afford to take.
I have a really sweet gig right now. I mean, I am seriously living a dream life. Ok, so I am not sculpting the future one mind at a time. Not yet, anyway. Instead I get to work from home, at a job I am really good at with bosses who love me and a cat that both bugs the shit out of me yet is the coolest damn thing ever. Entertainment, so to speak. I can afford to pay my bills, I have insurance, I have amazing friends, I can afford to go to the gym to relieve stress, I live in a beautiful place with crazy beautiful seasons and I have my family close enough that I get to see them any single time I want.
That is what I came home for. For moments like last night when I bring Andy to my parents house and I make Susie-mom dinner for her birthday and I take take care of dad who injured his shoulder at work, and my little brother spends hours with Andy and a lazer pointer. Moments like last night when we laughed and I was a part of something, not drifting from town to town, doing random shit. Moments like last night when, after spending time with my family, I spent time with my best friends at a party full of amazing people. Sure, when that cute guy asked me what I did I didn't want to talk about it, because, not just that I am embarrassed, but I don't want to be defined by my job. I am more than my job...yes, I am fucking fantastic at it and the numbers show that, it just doesn't sound good at parties.
When people ask what I do, I always say, "I am an unemployed high school English teacher" and sometimes I follow it up with, "But I sell cabinet doors online. That's what a masters in this economy with getcha". It sounds absolutely pitiful. And not pitiful because of what I do, but because I degrade myself and my situation, when in reality, it's fucking awwwwesome! In fact, it is so awesome, it's not worth giving up to chase after something that might not be worth it in the end. In fact, it is most likely not worth it at all. I heard the pain in my mom's voice when I told her about the interview. My parents don't want to lose me for another 10 years. And I don't know if I am ready to leave them just yet. Not after everything they have done for me. Not after finally feeling like I am home.
I have been agonizing over this decision. I didn't just stop and go, "Nah, I don't want it". I actually sat down and thought out everything. I talked with fellow teachers and friends and family, and in the end, the conclusion was, it isn't worth the risk.
And maybe this God's way of teaching me patience and humility. Still. He's been working on this part of me since I moved here. Before coming here I was a spoiled little selfish brat who got everyone and everything I wanted and more. Things were practically handed to me with just a smile and a wink. Now my cute smiles and adorable personality aren't getting me squat, and it has been quite the awakening experience. Because of this, I have never been more grateful for the most simplest of pleasures and people.
What most people don't know about the job I have now is what it took to get it. There was a lot of suffering before I could finally rest at ease knowing I had something solid. When I got the phone call that I was hired full time and I could quit my other 3 jobs, I absolutely collapsed in a heap of weeping gratefulness. I have never, in all my life, in all my existence, been so grateful for anything ever. I bawled. I was so happy my body shook and hurt because I didn't know how to deal with it and as I drove down from Paradise to my apartment I wept and I shook and I laughed and I prayed and I felt like what heaven must feel like. This feeling that you made it. After everything, you fall down to your knees and give thanks for this almost undeserved magnificent blessing.
That's gratefulness, son.
So here I am in the most ideal situation, trying to grasp at things beyond me because of what? Because I am embarrassed of telling people at parties what I do? That's stupid. Right now, at this very moment, I am where I am supposed to be. I am actually very, very happy and very, very blessed. I have done so many amazing things in life and even got a masters in the meantime. People don't have to know that right off the bat, but over time will get to know me and will be grateful for that, not grateful they met a "hot teacher". If I were to go to Salinas and try for this job, what will happen in the end? I am going to give up the amazing treasures and blessings I was given for a different title? That's stupid. My time is here. My moment is this. I am making the most of this time..learning guitar and piano, writing, dancing, being with family and friends, finding out the things that make me who I am...all the amazing beautiful things life has to offer. I am blessed, and no, I am not going to the interview, but it's ok, because that phone call, that was what I needed to hear. That phone call told me that in the end, life is fucking amazing. And I am happy.
And in the end, that is all I was searching for.
