But why is that? Why do we keep finding these dilfurs? Where are all the good men?!
Great question. And the answer is: The Paper Bag Theory.
Stay with me here. I might be on to something.
The Paper Bag Theory goes like this:
You're at a bar with a group of your friends and you see a group of dudes with their friends. The first thing that happens is everyone spots the hot friend or the "Alpha" of the group. He's probably dressed nice, smells good, has something about him that stands out. He is the "smoke" of the "smoke and mirrors" of that group. He fogs your vision so you don't see anyone else. He's a distraction. He is also the one you should not talk to.
Next there is the funny one. The "mirror" of the "smoke and mirrors" in the group, as you might say. He is charming, goofy, makes you laugh and interacts really well with the good-looking "smoke" guy. Together they combine a smoke screen to the rest of the group. The other guys in the group, maybe two or three others, are fine with it because they are either used to it, or not at the bars to pick up chicks. THOSE are the guys you want to talk to.
See, the Entertainer and the Good-Looking One are like magicians who are out for a good time and a quick lay. They charm you and flash their pearly whites, but the reality of it is they have an agenda. And if you are ok with being the weak gazelle that they take home just to hook up with and leave you to walk that oh-so-common walk of shame, then by all means, go for it. But the reality is, you want the paper bags.
The Paper Bags are the guys hiding behind the "Smoke and Mirror" dudes. The Paper Bag dudes are the ones who are cool with going out, but their agenda is not to meet someone, but to just go out and enjoy the company of others. They are the ones to talk to, because they are the ones who will surprise you.
The "Paper Bag Guy" is the one who didn't go out of his way to wear something flashy or wild. He maybe just finished a Fantasy Football Draft with his buddies and is out for a drink. Or maybe he just wanted to go out because it's nice to socialize when you're single. But at first you will not notice him. His attire will be simple and classic, like a brown paper bag. Nothing extravagant or wild, just simple and maybe even a little down to earth. He might be shy at first, or maybe willing to talk, but not sure what to say. But he might open up and before you know it you find yourself engrossed in an amazing conversation you never would have guessed this person possessed.
It's like someone handed you a brown paper bag and you were like, "Um, cool. Thanks?" But then you take time and slowly open the bag to find that what's inside is absolutely amazing! It's like all this time this humble outer shell was hiding something super fucking rad. And that's when you notice how cute they really are.
That's the "Paper Bag Theory". It's the idea that, though the outside might seem simple and "no big deal" the reality is that something super amazing is underlying. You just have to get past the smoke and mirrors and open the bag to find out.
The problem is, girls are kind of dumb. I say this because I am a girl and I am kind of dumb. I was the one always going after the overly good-looking dudes. But to be honest, the good looking dudes are usually dumb...and superficial...and narcissistic. And they make you feel shitty about yourself. They try so hard on a regular basis to look good, that it makes you feel shitty for not trying that hard. They tan, workout twice a day, care too much about what people think and honestly, when they go out to the bars with their buddies, all you can imagine is how they were with you...flirty and kinda manipulative. It just makes you think, "If he was like that with me, he's probably like that with others" and it makes you not feel so special. And then you realize they are not so special. So you dump them.
The funny guy is usually insecure most times. He's compensating for something...either a broken heart, the feeling that he's not as good looking as his friends, he's depressed...any number of things. They are great to hang out with and talk to at bars and parties, but if you end up with them, most likely they will not take anything serious, they will probably be flaky and they will have a hard time getting close because they are all kinds of fucked up. Their humor is compensating for something they feel they lack. It's almost impossible to get close to them, even though they seem to wear their heart on their sleeve. They are usually quite loveable, but hard to get them to love back. Don't go down that road.
The paper bag guy is different. He's sweet, kind and will surprise you at most times because he will do gentlemanly things and you won't know how to react. You might be scared at first and think, "Oh, he likes me" and then you realize, "Oh, this is actually pretty awesome. A guy likes me" because the other dudes are douches and they never communicate their feelings and are too self-conscious or self-centered to be sweet, either in public or alone. (As a red flag, if a guy isn't willing to get close to you in public, he doesn't want to be seen as "with someone". Dump him). The paper bag guy will treat you kindly, the others will treat you like a thing.
The Paper Bag Guy is the kind of guy you feel comfortable with because he is comfortable with himself. He doesn't have to try, he just is. He's the Joseph Gorden-Levitt. The one who seems shy and quite at first, but then pulls out a guitar and sings, "What Are You Doing New Years Eve" with Zooey Deschanel and you die because you just fell in love with the most adorable man in the universe. And he is confident, but not in a Colin Kaepernick kind of way, but in a Payton Manning kind of way. A sweet, charming guy who knows he's good but would never say it, he just shows it. The "Kaepernick's" are arrogant assholes. Learn the difference between the two. One will fall from grace, the other is graceful. Most girls do not go for the Paper Bag Guy because she feels like she wants something flashy to parade around..."Look who I am dating now", but the reality is she will end up miserable. And most likely alone. The Smoke and Mirrors are just that. They put up fronts, confuse you, mess with your head and really, it's not about finding a person to be cool with, it's about finding a person to be naked with. And sooner or later you're gonna not look so awesome naked and wouldn't you rather be with someone who you can both laugh at your wrinkles together than feel uncomfortable about them?
And that's the thing. The Entertainer and the Good-Looking One won't be looking for paper bag girls. They are looking for dumb pretty girls so that they will have a common ground...being beautiful dummies. They will go about their lives ignorant and maybe even blissful, but it will be hollow and sad with no depth, just looks. And they will desperately do all they can to hold on to those looks for as long as they can, until the other gets bored and moves on. Most likely the dude because men age well, women do not. Painful fact...well, unless you're Jennifer Aniston. That bitch does not age.
The Entertainer will be the one who looks for someone who has a bland personality, or at least one that doesn't out-shine him. He won't choose a paper bag girl either because paper bag girls have depth and wisdom and humor as well. They are colorful, bright and have amazing personalities. No entertainer wants to be over-shadowed. The Entertainer will also choose a less colorful person...someone to go along with him...someone who does not challenge him or his fragile ego. He may be a lover and a sweetheart, but he has too many issues deep down, so it's best to keep them as friends, but don't get too close.
A paper bag girl is a reader. She's smart, beautiful, creative, maybe a little shy, but might come off as bitchy. She will probably talk mostly with her friends, much like the paper bag guy. She will have a lot to say or maybe look stunning in a bathing suit, but you wouldn't know. Just like the paper bag guy. Under his baggy shirt he might be hiding some legit pecks. But he doesn't care if you see that first or not because he works out for himself, not for others. Same for the paper bag girl. She may look stunning under her clothes, but she doesn't have to show off all the time. You gotta work to see what she has.
Then again, that paper bag dude might, in reality, be a douche. You don't really know until you open the bag.
And that's my theory. That is not to say you can't be one or all three of those people. I am for sure the douche and the entertainer and sometimes the paper bag girl. The funny thing is what I attract based on those nights. If I go out looking all "hot and dumb" I attract the hot dudes. Some of those hot dudes are also paper bag dudes, but still douchey (FYI). There are nights when I am the entertainer and I attract no one because dudes are intimidated by wit, apparently. And when I go out as the paper bag girl, I get more attention than any other night.
Moral of the story, be approachable, not douchey, and you will attract the paper bag boy...and trust me, he's the one you want...
