What do you do when the party's over? What happens when the music stops
and the lights go on and you look around and find you've been dancing
with yourself for quite some time. Glitter and spilled drinks stick to
your shoes as you slowly look around and wonder "what the fuck
happened?". What was I doing all this time? What has happened to my
life? What is my purpose?Yes, I have a full-time job, which I am very grateful for, but I still feel unemployed. And not the honeymoon stage of being unemployed where you sit in undies because you can and stay up til 4am doing weird shit because you feel free and the possibilities seem endless. No, I'm at the unemployment state where you have filled out countless resumes and applications and have heard every possible interview question known to man and despite all your efforts and work and nicely pressed shirts, it's still not enough to win them over. I wish I could see myself as overly qualified and with so much potential people don't want to hire me for fear of me leaving to become something massively successful. But my ego really feels like a buck-toothed moron, with a muddy personality and a seedy past. I feel like people are turned off by me and no one will tell me why.
That's the thing about applying for jobs. It feels like trying to desperately join the "cool kids". You do everything in your power to impress them and show them you would do anything to be a part of what they are and that you are just as cool as they are, maybe even cooler, but if they would just give you that chance to prove it. You stand in front of them, bare you soul to them, give them what you think they want, and in the end it's still not good enough. And they never say why. They never say, "you're resume was weak", or "you blew it in the interview" or anything that would give you even a glimmer of hope for your next application. Instead you self-consciously apply for the next position in hopes that they can't smell your desperation seeping out of your pores and shakily hand in another application, fearful of more rejection.
When you know what you want to be from first grade, it is hard to imagine doing anything else. When you hit 30 and realize that maybe everything you hoped to be is not at all what you have become, it starts to weigh on you and self-doubt seeps into your mind and as you sit at home in your pjs with your cat, whom you've been talking to out loud for the past hour, you start to wonder, "what the fuck happened?".
I've tried to mask my desperation and self loathing in costumes and whiskey and sex. I mean, they are all fun and games til you wake up the next day with a hangover and maybe a few regrets. By now I should have finished this book, but I let things, mostly myself, get in the way. Maybe I am afraid of success, maybe I am afraid of hitting rock bottom again. I don't know. I do know that currently I am trying not to freak the fuck out. I've recently come to the realization that I never, ever wants kids. Like, ever. So, the purpose of being on earth to procreate has been squashed. That being said, as much as I like sex, do I even bother getting into a relationship with someone? I mean, I am not a "family" kind of girl. The idea alone freaks me the fuck out. I couldn't do it. I can't be tied down like that. Hell, even a cloudy day makes me feel suffocated sometimes.
So what do I do? What the fuck do I do with my life? I just want to roam the world and write, really. I want to have a purpose, but financially I can't do that. It's also not safe, being a small girl and all. I mean, my dream has always been to write for a surfer magazine. Live down south by the beach and write, maybe do a side job at a surf shop for fun. Maybe teach a few college courses at night. I just want to be a part of that world of carefree love and living. Here things are serious...too serious. Life all of a sudden seems serious. I'm not saying I want to rage all the time, but shit, man. I need to do something with my life. I want to teach. Oh so bad I want to teach. But where? What happens when I finally get there? Will I find myself feeling the same as I do now...without a sole purpose? Do I just wait it out here in hopes of finding a job? Do I move?
I'm torn.
And scared.
And confused.
I never thought life would ever be this real. This feeling of anxiety where you haven't lived enough to be ok with dying. Where you know deep down you have this amazing purpose, but you don't know what that is and no one is telling you. It's like all the answers are behind some hidden door and people all seem to know where it is and what's behind it, but no one is telling me. And it is infuriating. And yes, that is my inner control freak coming out, but it's frustrating to know that I am supposed to be doing something amazing, but I just can't seem to figure out what it is.
As I stand here alone, my eyes adjusting to the light that has just been turned on, the music fading, my head spinning, my feet sore, I look around and hope maybe someone can show me the right way out. But no one is there. Just me and the DJ and we just stand there and look at each other. His eyes meet mine and I can sense a bit of pity in his. He has seen me before, but never with the lights on, and he can see I am lost but offers not guidance. So I just stand there, looking around, wondering what has happened to my life, what happened to my shoes?
I guess I just have to start with one thing at a time. I just wish I knew what it was...
