Might Have to Sit Today Out...

Valentine’s Day single and sober….not as much fun as Valentine’s Day single and drunk.

Right about now I would be in Safeway buying my bottle of Jameson and a box of cordial cherries and a really girly movie about a chick who finds her independence just to get a guy.

But being single and sober really isn’t all that fun.

Another thing that sucks sober is just about anything else right now. Yes. I said it. I’m not upset that I am not drinking, but man, I did not realize how much it is so prevalent in my life. Some days I just want to relax and have a beer to take the edge off, you know? But just in saying that, I already feel myself leaning back to that dependency feeling. That need to escape everything and just zone out. And I am not ok with that.

I have anxiety attacks at night now. This weird nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach that just makes my body feel really weird.

Anxiety attacks are like feeling every single emotion you can possibly feel all at the same time. It’s horrible. And my usual fix for that was a shot of whiskey.

Now I just suffer through them.

And it sucks.

So here I am on Valentine’s, just as disappointed as I have always been on every Valentine’s, but now I am sober and completely aware of this.

I’m only bummed because it’s kind of like not getting a Valentine’s day card when you are in Elementary school. You see all the other kids opening up cards and chewing on chalky candied hearts, and even if you despise those, you’d really to feel included in some small way. If I didn’t know everyone else was getting love and adoration from someone else, I wouldn’t care. In fact I was TRYING to ignore it, but thanks to Facebook and Google, it was impossible to ignore.

And now I am annoyed at everyone’s need to throw in my face the things someone felt compelled to give to them. In all fairness I didn’t get anyone anything, so maybe I shouldn’t care, but more so, sometimes you just like to feel loved, you know? That feeling of someone big and strong holding you close, kissing your forehead and making you feel small and safe. It’s a nice feeling. It’s a feeling I didn’t really know I wanted until today.

Thanks Valentine’s Day for making me see the things I was missing out on. And now that I am sober, I can’t pretend today doesn’t exist. What I wouldn’t do for a bottle of Jameson and some chocolates right now…