Subbing Is Hard.

Subbing is hard.

Ok, so maybe I sat around and watched Daddy Daycare and Remember the Titans all day.

But not everyday is a movie day.

Maybe I'm a a little jaded from moving home and subbing for the past two years, but it might be all too possible that I am over my dream of teaching.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being in front of the classroom and inspiring students, but I want to do it without the tied hands. I want to be free to live my life outside of the classroom. I hate that people take me too seriously because I teach when no one really takes education seriously. I want to be able to do things outside of the classroom that don't effect what people think of me inside the classroom. I want to speak what is on my mind, do artistic projects and be free to be me. Unfortunately "me" outside of the classroom is not appropriate for "me" inside the classroom. Unless you work with kids, you can't explain what it's like to see them outside the classroom: when the kids see the "me" that isn't the "me" in the classroom.

This past December I was invited to my friend's Christmas party. I had just gotten off work from Forever 21 (yes, you need to have multiple jobs when you work in education), and after the day I had, I needed a drink. When I got there everyone had already been "having a good time" for the past few hours, so I had some catching up to do.

If you know me and have invited me to a party, you know when it comes to attire I never "disappoint". When someone says party, me and "the girls" will be there. Needless to say, on this particular night "my girls" and I were "hanging out". I assumed that it was just me and my friends at this party, so when it's an hour into the party and I am in the kitchen and I see some guys who look a lot closer to 21 than 30 (the hell if I know) I don't think twice when talking to them.

I have never been good with names, and I have never been good at guessing ages.

As I stood in the kitchen, one of my guy friends asked me when I graduated high school (a question I despise, by the way). Hesitating, I asked him first...then asked the other three guys standing around me. My friend said 2001. Not too far off from me. But when I asked the three guys in front of me when they graduated, they passed a glance to one another.

"2004", one of them finally said. I stood there for a moment. Something was not right. I asked again and they looked at each other and laughed. My brow furrowed.

"We're still in high school"

I froze for a moment. I think I dropped my drink. Or maybe I pee'd myself. I'm not sure. All I know is my feet felt wet suddenly. Or my knees felt weak. I can't really remember the details. The shot of whiskey I had taken earlier had just hit. At that moment I looked down at my dress and all of a sudden my outfit was no longer "age appropriate". The room was spinning and my eyes darted around to see if people were laughing at the funny joke these "kids" just told.

"Wait, what?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Yeah, we are still at PV", one of the boys shyly smirked.

"Wait, WHAT?!" I lifted my hand to my brow and at that moment, one of the kids saw my tattoo.

"HEY!" One of the kids called out. "I know you! You're MISS YOUNG!"

I think at that moment I actually did pee myself.

"WHAT?!" The room got real small for a moment. I had a sudden urge to run out the door.

"Yeah, the octopus tattoo!" He and his friends instantly got excited, bouncing around and all of a sudden they all remembered me. "I totally remember that tattoo...and that story about Da Kine! Yeah! I totally remember you!" The entire world around me changed. What was supposed to be a "let-loose" fun time with my good friends instantly became a completely different night!

"What the fu...!" I covered my mouth the instant the words slipped my mouth. I was in shock. The boys bounced around laughing, spilling their beers and making jokes. "Dude! We're partying with Miss Young! No way!" They laughed and I wanted to crumble up and die.

"Whoa, whoa whoa!" I cried out, putting my hands up to cover my bulging bosom. "There is no partying here! In fact, what the hell are you guys even doing here?!"

Apparently the brother of my friend's roommate was given the ok to come to the house and sit around til his sister came and picked him up. There was no agreement to have his buddies there, nor any agreement to let them join in the party.

As I stood there in shock, the night began to replay itself in my head. Were these kids there when I was dancing around and making crass and inappropriate jokes? Were they taking pictures or video? How long had they been there? Where was my jacket?!

It was soon evident my good time had come to a quick halt. The liquor did not care that I was mortified, instead it just influenced me to laughed it off, despite the fact that the sober me would have rushed over to my not-so-sober friend and bitched her out for letting this happen. Everyone knows I sub at PV, and everyone knows how I am at parties. It was a recipe for disaster.

The next day, while working at Forever 21, the brother had walked in with two other guys and called out, "Hey Miss Young!" I about died and ran over, noticing the other guys must have heard the news since they were all giving each other the eye.

"So, we heard about you last night. Trouble trouble!" I about punched that kid in the mouth.

"First off, " I corrected "Trouble begins if you say anything because those guys were NOT supposed to be there. Second, of all people in the world, they should NOT be telling anyone about this because what they were doing was technically illegal. Look, it's funny, ha, ha. But seriously, guys...not cool."

Ok, so maybe my speech wasn't moving, but it was evident they saw I was uncomfortable and backed off the subject. I shooed them off and for the next hour worried about them coming back through the mall.

Because it was the first week of Christmas vacation for the students, I had hoped by the time January rolled around they would forget they saw me.

We'll see.

Anyway, back to my point. I love teaching. I love being there for the kids. I DO NOT enjoy running into them outside of the classroom and having to be the "classroom me" they all know. I just want to be me. I know that is like how most people probably feel about their professions, but mine is hyper-sensitive because parents are involved. I know that parents judge me. I look 16. (ok, I'm flattering myself, I know, but I definitely don't look old enough to rent my own car). "Adults" don't take me serious because I look like a kid. Then again, I still feel like one, which I think is why I do so well in the classroom. And that's what sucks. I am a damn good teacher (or at least a damn good sub), but my fear is that I am not free to live the life I want for fear of judgement and the fear that people will not take me serious in a classroom. I am not ready for that kind of pressure.

If you know someone is wild when you first meet them, not much surprises you once you get to know them. If you assume someone is not wild when you meet them and they do something wild (which is normal to them, but not normal according to your assumption about them) it's shocking. Kind of like how my sweet, quiet new roommate just walked out of the shower with her boyfriend. THAT was shocking. I made a preconceived notion about her and so when she did what she probably always does, which is normal to her, it was almost heart-stopping for me.

It's, like, if you heard your first grade teacher cuss. It about shatters your world. I don't want to shatter my students' world, and frankly, I don't want them to shatter MINE. Living a double life is not easy. Subbing is not easy. I have one foot in and one foot out. One foot is dancing in heels and having a wild time, the other is standing properly in heels cracking "old man" jokes in front of kids. It's almost perplexing. Which am I? And I have to ask...which do I want to be...for the sake of a dream?