Please Secure Your Mask Before Helping Those Around You...

Sometimes in order to survive, you have to be selfish.

When the plane is going down, what do you do when the air masks fall? You secure one on yourself before helping someone else because if you're helpless, you do no good to help others.

My selfishness in what I have been going through is not intended. I don't mean to grab my air mask before I put on yours, but I know that when given the right tools, I can help you later.

Last night I had another anxiety attack. It was absolutely horrible. I pretended like I didn't have an urge to throw up or scream or lose my shit. So I stood with an eerie calm which was probably bizarre to those around me, but it was all I could do not to explode on the inside.

I begged for a drink last night.

Had I been alone, I would have done it. My guy friends knew I would hate myself for giving in, so they refused to let me.

"If you're going to blow it, it's not going to be over one shot," Zach so wisely stated.

Good point.

But at that moment I would have done just about anything to stave off the nausea of my anxiety...the same anxiety that was brought on by the nausea. There is so much conflict going on inside that some days I think that my body is fighting against me. Screaming for the amber elixir that once used to make everything ok and then throwing a fit when it doesn't get it. And all I can do is wait for it to get tired and give up and leave me alone.

Sometimes it takes hours.

So back to being selfish. I had a fight with my brothers the other day. It was over something so ridiculously stupid, I don't even think it is worth mentioning, but I guess I have to.

This new job is probably the only thing keeping me going right now. Without it I have no idea what I would do. I only have one, so there is nothing to fall back on to get me through. So when I work, which is from home, I work my ass off. You can also imagine that in this job being so new, so stressful and so completely self-reliant that there was a lot of pressure on me to do good initially so that I could hopefully get to full-time. No time to talk, no time to play...so when my younger brother approached me one afternoon while I was working from my parent's house, I was short with him. And because of that, he snapped.

The Bromley men are sensitive. Yes, this is a fact. They are sweet, loving, caring and sensitive as all hell. Forgive me for being rough around the edges and a bit aggressive. This is my nature, maybe from living in cities for the past 10 years. I say what is on my mind and I do what I need to do to get shit done. If this includes holding off on pleasantries, I apologize. Unfortunately, my brothers do not understand this.

So when I got short with my younger brother, he got offended and brewed on it, later on calling me at work to tell me I hurt his feelings. I don't understand how a few seconds of time brewed into this overwhelming need for a deep discussion. I guess working for the Nuclear Fusion Professor made me a little callus, but still...get over it.

He didn't. In fact, it's gotten worse. And on that same day my older brother called for my mom and the conversation went something like,

Beau: "Hi"
Kyleen: "Hi, hold on, let me get mom"

That was it. But that too brewed into some horrible, ugly, monster. And now, according to them, I am a horrible, selfish, bitch. Yup. I have dedicated myself to becoming a better human being and in the midst of that, I am the most selfish, horrible human being you can possibly imagine. Awesome.

So here I am reaching for my mask so that I can then reach over and put a mask on them, and in the midst of it, I am completely berated, ridiculed and harassed. All for a single second of time. Funny how that works.

This journey has not been easy. All and all my life is spectacular! I have a great job, great friends, lots of love and time for the gym. For once in a very long time my life has settled and I am getting my shit together.

Finally.

In fact, some days I lay in bed and cry because of how overwhelmed and thankful I am. I recall the days I was tormented by my own thoughts and actions and how fucking hard I pushed myself to pay bills and just figure it out. There was just so much pain, so much anguish, so much stress, so much humbling, so much heartache...my soul was in disrepair and I was falling down this rabbit hole, praying to God I would just hit the fucking bottom so I could climb out.

The one good thing about hitting the bottom really hard, you actually bounce up. That's when you know you hit the ground as hard as you possibly can...when you are actually thrown back up by the momentum of your own weight slamming into the ground. You can either let the fall break you or bounce you. I used it to bounce back up as hard as I could. It hurt. Oh God it hurt something fierce. Feels like every bone in my body was broken. But whats cool about them healing is it makes me feel stronger.

I am currently trying to work on my selfishness. When you're in survival mode you forget about others at times and do all you can not to drown. For a while I went into hiding so I wouldn't take anyone down with me. It was really hard and no one really understood why, but I knew I had to do it. I just didn't want to take others down with me. It was a fight and in being so social, it was not easy.

But that was one of the times I reached for the mask. I did what I could to catch my breath so I could come back. It was hard when others were trying to take it away from me, not understanding that it was a survival technique. This whole time I have been grasping at something to save me, something to help me get the fuck out of the hell I was in.

Now the only hell is the anxiety attacks at night. They suck and they make me feel weak and sick and dizzy, but I can survive them. It's not easy, and I get desperate, but when I had someone there to keep me strong during one of my weakest points so far in this journey, that made it ok. I was scared, and I panicked and I was willing to own up to admitting I got weak, but I had someone there. And whether or not they know it, they helped me get through one more day. And right now, that is all I can ask for.

This experience makes me appreciate those who are supportive in my life more and more. So if I seem a little more loving and caring, don't be afraid. There is something about finding the love of your self that makes you want to share that love with others...so enjoy it...