It's Not Pretty...

My friend Adam is in Panama right now. The things he sees and lives with are beyond anything I could understand or handle. A foreign country with a foreign language, foreign customs and foreign parasites swimming in your gut.

It's not pretty.

And though it was his choice to go out there, it doesn't make the fact that I complain about stupid shit any less stupid.

Don't cry over spilled milk when the cow is being slaughtered.

I know, what?

In other words, what you're going through is beans in comparison to the bigger issues of the world. Not that your issues in themselves are any less significant, but really, there are so many more things to be grateful for than to complain about. And really, if you look at the basis of your issues, most likely they were your initial choice, so there is no one to blame but yourself.

That being said, I have come to feel extremely grateful for many things, and in letting go of the negative, I finally came to a realization. The thing I had always wanted to do. The one thing that makes it all worth it.

(we'll get back to that in a moment...but first...)

I gave up drinking because I started drinking (just go with me on this). I realize that the things that have made my life so miserable were choices that I made. I made the choice to come home. I made the choice to make rash, irresponsible decisions. I was the one who made the choice to be miserable. No one did that to me. No one said I needed to hate myself. I was the one who made the decision that I wasn't good enough and I was the one who decided to throw myself a pity party.

So, needless to say I must apologize for my last selfish rant. Not just because I had no right to ask for anything when I myself didn't give anything, but for not giving credit where credit was due.

After I had posted my "bitter" (albeit satirical...mostly) Valentine's day blog, I headed over to a very handsome and sweet gentleman's house, the one I call The Tall Pretty One. I was told the week before not to make plans on Valentines (yes, I laughed when he said it too, cuz really, what plans?) I didn't even know it was Valentine's since what he actually requested was that I not make plans on Tuesday. Also, who makes plans on Tuesday?

Either way I said "ok".

So, all day I was kind of butt-hurt because I wasn't even getting texts from my friends after I had been asking them how their day was. I was bitter because, yes, deep down inside, I wanted to feel loved. There. I said it. Yes, cold-hearted Kyleen actually wanted some attention. Don't go tellin people.

So that night after I finished my blog I went over to The Tall Pretty One's house and when he answered the door, he had a bouquet of a dozen roses. Yup. And on the table? 2 pounds of chocolate. Yes. 2 pounds. And not just chocolate, but Truffles. Instantly I felt like an asshole. I really did not give The Tall Pretty One enough credit. And that was unfair of me.

And of course he proceeded to make me an amazing steak dinner. Yeah, I know. The guy is legit. I felt like even more of an asshole. And mostly I think I felt like such an asshole because I didn't do a damned thing for him. I honestly didn't even think about it, and that's what makes me the asshole.

Look, don't make a holiday where people are supposed to emphasize love with a lover and not expect 68% of the population to get pissy.

Needless to say, The Tall Pretty One really didn't get a quarter of what he desereved. I was so shocked and so blown away, I honestly didn't know how to react. I didn't think to do anything for anyone because I had been single for so long, I never thought to do anything for anyone else on a day like that.

Of course, as a little topper to my childish and selfish little rant, apparently my cell phone was broken and was sending texts, but not receiving them. So it wasn't until the next morning when my phone turned off and turned back on that I saw about 15 text messages from people wishing me a happy Valentines and even extending an invite out.

Yeah. I'm definitely an asshole.

So this was a little bit of a learning experience. And a bit of a wake up call. I complained for so long about not teaching and blah blah blah when really, what did I do to get there? Nothing but complain, really. So that brings me back to my main point. I finally remembered what I wanted to do. And this really isn't a surprise if you know me, but the Tall Pretty One reminded me again what I want to do in life, and that all my passion for it is still there.

I want to finish my book.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking and frankly, it doesn't matter. All I ever wanted to do was finish Kayden's Toby. It's been at least 7 years and I know I will finish it, I am just not sure when.

Maybe it's the fear that I won't perfect it. Or that later I will have wished I had done more with it. It's scary to put a lot of yourself into something you believe in, just to have to find others' approval to get it out there. I am sure there is a way I can do it, and one day, I will. This has been my dream my entire life, and I believe in it. Not just for me, but I know that in the end, it will help others. And I want to get out of my selfish ways from fear of getting hurt either emotionally or physically. Adam selflessly gave his body (including his intestines) to help others. I can't ever imagine giving my body in that way, so I will have to find another way to help, maybe by giving my mind and knowledge. Even if it's just one book. One story. One blog. One moment where I actually do something life-changing for someone else, maybe then I will finally get to that place I have always wanted to be...

and maybe not drinking for the rest of the year will be absolutely worth it...