Is it wrong of me to believe in love? Am I fooling myself in believing that there is a chance for me to find that one guy who loves me as much as I love him? Is that possible?
I had a vision a few weeks ago. I was held by a man and all I could see was his unshaven chin as he kissed my forehead. He was taller than me, my head barely passed his shoulders. He was thin, with dark hair, young, around my age, sweet, and when he kissed me, he meant it. I imagined his dark eyes smiling back at me when I looked up, and I knew he was it. He was the person that I am supposed to meet.
One day.
I'll be honest. I've given up. Like, I have full-on thrown in the towel and I am done. Maybe it's because I saw who I wanted. Maybe it's because I know who I am supposed to be with. I will know it when I see him.
Or maybe it's that I am jaded that the last guy I dated broke up with me through text. A fucking text?! Yes. A text.What the hell kind of chicken shit person does that? Then it took him four days of me coaxing him to finally get him to call me. Fuck that. Fuck him.
It's because of that text that I am over dating. It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. Done. Fuck that. I am far too rad to have THAT kind of shit in my life.
Of course, me being either pathetic or relentlessly forgiving, let the "text break-up" slide and as much as I wanted to call him a piece of shit (which, he is, because that was a piece of shit move) I didn't. Though I have moments when I still feel the urge.
Anyway, it's things like that that make me wonder, why the hell do I even want to bother again? So, say I meet this daydream dude...is he going to be a text breaker-upper too? Will he be a douche like all the others? Is there such a thing as a real man who loves a real woman? Do I even want to go there?
My instinct is no. No I don't want to go there again. In fact, if "dream dude" showed up at my door, I'd probably blow him off. Not that I am bitter, but shit, bro, I am exhausted! I used to always have something inside me that made me do it again, but now, now I don't even want to go there.
So despite these feelings of forfeit, why do I still believe in it? Why do I think some sweet, kind, funny, attractive surfer dude who plays the guitar is going to run into me and fall in love? How the hell is that even going to happen? I live in Chico for God's sake. Another depressing thought. The thought of dating in this town makes me want to kick puppies and strangle small children. Eff that ish.
Anyway, I am not even sure why I am writing this. Maybe it's in hopes that if I say that kind of love and man exists, maybe it will manifest and come to me. And the thing is, I don't even know if I want it, but I think I'd like to know it exists...just to say that I believed in something real. That I believed in a thing called love...
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