A Broken Hallelujah...

Sometimes one change brings on other changes. I no longer drink, which then made me realize there were a few people in my life who were just as bad for me as whiskey, so I let them go too. I have changed my habits, my hair, and my look on life and my situation. As the days go by, I find my head has cleared up, my body doesn't ache and opportunities and good things seem to be more omnipresent than before.

The things I craved at one point no longer appeal to me. This includes the company of certain people as well as the urge to feel like I am on top of the world. Alcohol has this funny little effect that brings you to a peak, making you feel ecstatic and flirty and in a way that makes you want to make love to the world (in a metaphorical sense, so to speak). It's almost euphoric. All the walls come down and you almost feel invincible. Whiskey is a great catalyst to bar fights and meter jumping.

But with that euphoria comes the lows.

I met a one-armed man with no legs in a wheel chair once when I was a cocktail waitress in a Tapas bar in Ventura, CA. This man was obnoxious, a filthy drunk who I believe groped me on multiple occasions and was always getting kicked out of our bar for getting out of hand a degrading our staff. But what I will never forget his statement to me one early evening before he got trashed and was kicked out of our bar for the final time. He told me how drinking alcohol and coffee were the two worst things you could do to yourself. While the excitement at their peaks was phenomenal, their lows were detrimental. I believe he was trying to grab my ass while making this comment, but I never forgot it, though I didn't quite believe it at the time.

Until now.

This past year I was almost manic. Maybe it was a little residual from the year previous, which is when the drinking mostly started. I wanted to blame the break up from two summers ago, but really it was my joblessness and the humbling of moving back home. They went hand in hand. I drank to forget that I was a Masters student no one would hire. I drank to sleep because I was thinking too much about a boy who didn't love me. I drank to get over the drinking...most nights I was home alone. There were no parties, or company. It was just me...and alcohol. The one comfort I had to get me through the pain, the weakness, and the anxiety.

I am not proud of the fact that I would show up still drunk or hungover to teach classes. The night before I most likely worked til 10pm, staying up late texting a boy who was just using me, something I knew, but would drink away. I drank to forget about the things that I ran away from but that came back to haunt me. I drank so I didn't have to face the truth. That I was back home, poor as shit, brokenhearted, and jobless.

I've been running for 10 years. It's easy enough to do. Once things get serious or real, pack up and move to some other town and forget everything that ever hurt you. You never have to worry about burning bridges because there is always a new one in the next town. But coming home was different. Familiar faces, familiar inadequacies, and everything you had ever done or achieved meant shit. I wanted to start from the bottom up, but I had to hit bottom to do that. So I did.

Since coming back to town I have started many fires. I forgot I wasn't in L.A. or Las Vegas or Hawaii where no one knew me and I was just a face in the crowd. I could have run the streets naked and it would have gone unnoticed. In this town, if you take off a sock the entire town has heard of it before the sock hits the floor. I am used to a certain way of life, which unfortunately it is too colorful for many in this town. I will not change. I refuse to, but I did see how alcohol was making me even more bitter and frustrated at those who judged me without getting to know me. Much like whiskey, I am an acquired taste, something I never had to face in a city full of other free-spirited and open souls. I let drinking be my excuse for my personality, but the truth of the matter is I am wild and free-spirited...I do what I want and never have intentions of hurting others, though I feel like when drinking I have done so. There is a reason why in the 12-step program you apologize for your actions. You end up holding on to mistakes that you can't get past. I have few regrets in life, unless it came to hurting someone else. The things I have done I cannot apologize for because it will not change the fact that I did it.

Today's post is a little bit more real than my previous. It's usually really hard for me to take things seriously, but at some point you have step up and admit your faults before you can move on. For those of you reading today, understand that putting this out there is not easy. I accept the fact that you are judging me or have been since I have moved to town. You might find me foolish or wild or immature...but if you know me at all, you know my intentions have been full of love and an urge to show others that there are many beautiful things in this world beyond the conventional beauty. When you live a solitary life and are broken down to your absolute core and have to find your way out with just your willingness to get past it all and to become a better person, then you will understand who I am.

I gave up a lot to find myself and am still in debt to it; body, mind, soul and wallet. I would never, ever give up the journey I have been on, but I sure as hell wouldn't wish it upon someone. This untraveled road was untraveled for a reason, but then maybe more people should.

It's been two weeks and it has been quite spiritual. I went back to brunette to find my roots. I am going back to the gym to strengthen my legs because they are the trunks that ground me to the earth. I sit in the time I have alone and let the silence penetrate me, unafraid of it and my mind that once used to race wildly. I hold my friends closer and sit in the moments that happen around me, rather than making the moments happen. I did have a moment this Saturday where I was inches away from taking a small drink of whiskey, but in the end I did not and in being able to admit that feels good. I was told by multiple people that this was an inspiration to them and they too have decided to join me. That alone makes this journey even more powerful.

It's funny how sometimes when you think you are walking alone, you turn around and see all those who are walking with you and it's then that you realize the journey is worth it...