Falling Off the Wagon with a Margarita in My Hand...

There are many reasons why I haven't been writing.

One, I am feeling at peace, so I didn't have anything to write about.

Two, the things I wanted to talk about are not easy to put into words.

Three, I didn't want to be judged for what I am about to say:


I fell off the wagon.


A lot of you are now imagining me completely hammered and stumbling around dressed as Peter Pan in some ridiculously small costume.

It wasn't like that.

And it wasn't then that I slipped up.

On April 7th I went to Tres with two of my girlfriends. We sat at the bar where they grill the food in front of you. Kristin suggested we get a pitcher of margaritas and asked us what kind we wanted. I sat there silent and smiled softly, knowing that my opinion didn't matter anyway, so I just looked at Sarah. They ordered Passion Fruit and we sat around talking. When the pitcher came the girls looked at me and I could see that my "not drinking" was creating a bit of awkwardness. We laughed a little and then the girls turned serious.

"You know, you can have some if you want. It's ok. We won't tell anyone," and they poured me a small glass and set it in front of me.

Around me the restaurant was busy and loud. The man in front of me grilling dinner was quick and efficient; the smell of chicken and bell peppers drifted in my direction. I just sat there silently staring that the glass in front of me; the girls were beside me chatting away excitedly.

I just sat there and stared.

As I held the glass in my hand, my eyes began to well with tears.

I was softly shaking. This was a door that I wasn't sure I was ready to open. This was a moment that I didn't know I was ready for. And this was a moment that I knew I would be judged for by many, many people.

So I just sat there. I wiped the tear that began to well and slide down my cheek. At that moment the girls turned to me. I looked at them pathetically, confused and scared. They leaned in.

"It's ok. We'll take care of you. We promise nothing will happen"

I looked back at my glass.

"You are here celebrating with friends. You don't have to if you don't want to, but we promise we will make sure nothing happens and we won't tell anyone."

I smiled and lifted my glass. We cheered to the night and to happiness, though what I had wished for more than anything would be a cheers to inner strength.

I lifted the glass to my lips and for the first time in 4 months I let alcohol run through my veins again...


Opening that door was not easy. Closing it again is going to be even harder.

There was an initial sense of relief that I felt in opening that door again. The idea that I am strong enough to not drink if I don't want to.

I lied to myself.

I have since been drinking more and more. It started with the day before my birthday with me and Jennine at a restaurant, that led to The Bear and more shots. Then the next week it started on Wednesday and continued on until last night. I had been drinking every single day since Thursday. And not just socially. I caught myself drinking alone again. A shot of whiskey here, a shot of vodka there. Nothing too crazy, just a little bit, but I can feel myself leaning back into those habits.

And I am not drinking because I am sad, but rather because I have been so happy I just have an urge to celebrate with myself and bring on those feelings of elation and happiness.

The feelings I should be finding in myself.

But the thing about being alone is sometimes you forget how to find those feelings.

I did not think I would use the entire month of April to drink. I thought I would chose one night and decide if it is what I want. Because I broke the bond early, I kept saying to myself, "It's ok, just one more" and now I am feeling that I am slipping back into my old ways.

And I'm scared.

My apartment is full of alcohol. Vodka, Whiskey, Bourbon...all left over from my party. Currently it sits on my counter and I can feel the pull of it's temptation as I write. And I hate it.

It was easier when the temptation was hidden and not right in front of me. But seeing it, like seeing a candy bar, makes you want it, even if you weren't initially craving it.

So now I am at a crossroads. Do I continue on drinking or do I follow through and not drink for the rest of the year? This conundrum is such a difficult question to answer. When I started this blog is was easy to get through (kind of) because I had to own up to my word. The fact that I have broken that word kills me. But then I have to think, am I doing this for me, or you? And that is what bothers me the most because in the end, I find that I am strongest when I have to do it for another person, but don't seem to have it in me to do it for myself.

Maybe it's because I have been missing the gym. When working out I found such amazing results because I was eating better and not drinking. I know the first action I have to take is to hide what tempts me. Put it out of sight. I have to make sure not to drink at home anymore. It's an easy slope to fall down when you are alone a lot and sometimes find drinking is a source of simple entertainment. And lastly, I have to do this for myself and remember why I wanted to stop...because I could.

I don't know what I want to do at this point. In a way I LOVED the control I had over this, over all of it. The fact that I was doing what so many others fail to even attempt. But I think that whether I decide to continue on this journey is going to have to be between me and myself. This will just have to be something that I decide for myself. And maybe you will see me out at the bars drinking, but you might not know what it is. I am not sure where I want to go with this, but I think that at this point it is important to find a happy medium. A point of contentment in knowing that I have control over it whether or not I let it back in.

I'm not saying I am not scared, but I know I can do this and I know in the end I will be much happier.

I think drinking again has given me a lot more clarity than I thought it would. I am not sure where I am going with it, and in a weird way, that feels metaphorical to my life. I know that because of the right choices I am making, where I am going will be something grand. And at this moment, and sharing with you my weaknesses, it brings me a sense of peace and relief...something I haven't felt in a long long time...