I thought I would always be something big. Something bigger than myself and maybe even others. It seemed all the opportunities in the world were presented to me. Big ones. Ones that just seemed to take me to bigger and better places. Unfortunately, the problem with having such ambitions is that it plateaus at some point. Even the sky has its limits.
Sometimes we make choices because we realize that where we are is not where we are meant to be. I had everything at one point. A Ken Doll lawyer for a husband, finishing up grad school, money, an amazing house...everything.
But everything is not everything. In fact, too much of everything makes you hollow and shallow and searching for more to fill those voids. What I was searching for was a deeper me. A deeper understanding of self and life. Being in this magical world of having "everything", I knew it wasn't me. And so I got out. I left it all. I broke hearts, ended up in debt and crashed and burned in the worst of ways to find myself.
I knew that in leaving all the "everything" behind that it would not be easy. But little was I prepared for how hard it would truly be. There is one thing to cry, there is another to sob. To feel your chest heaving under each gasp, and the blubbering that escapes your lips uncontrollably. I am not sure what I have been crying about. Self-pity I am sure. I kept thinking I lost everything, but really, I let it all go. So why so many tears?
Starting over is more than wiping the slate clean, because as beautiful as that sounds, it's not that easy. As a Bromley I am prone to nostalgia and with that comes my romantic tendencies towards people and life in general. I live a contently solitude life. I like my alone time. I don't feel like I get enough of it. I used to cry because I did not feel wanted...by either a boy or an employer who did not hire me. But I forgot that none of that really mattered. Well, obviously employment mattered, but the need to be wanted was so deep rooted.
Or maybe it wasn't that at all. Maybe I had come to the realization that I had never truly been the strong independent woman I always thought myself to be. Until recently I always thought I had something going for me, but in the end I realize that I not only charmed others with my fanciful ways, but myself. I even believed that after it all I could make it in this small town. In the end my man-eater, selfish, manipulative ways would do me no good in a town that saw me for what I really was. An insecure, selfish, ungrateful little brat.
It's those eyes that made me realize that coming to terms with your self is to come to terms with your faults. While those faults have defined me for so long, that is not to say I can't break it all down, shed it like a snakes skin and start over. No, I can't wipe the slate clean, but I can do my best to make up for all the wrong I have done.
And the more you peel away, the more you break down, the smaller you realize you really are in this great big world. So here I sit, in the dark, writing alone my thoughts and my realization that I am really just a little girl in a great big world...
